negative one.

I'm officially overdue. Nothing seems to be happening, but quite a few people think today will be the day. I am one of those people, but just because it was my guess from about a month ago.

Dearest Elliott,

Everyone wants to see you. Please come today.

I love you.

Mommy

6 hours, 52 minutes.

Make that 51 minutes. Until midnight. Until July 2nd. Until the day that my baby boy is "supposed" to come into this world, but most likely won't. I don't have that feeling that he is ready, but it can all change in an instant. I thought maybe the storms would provide some help, but so far nothing.

My doctor is on vacation anyway, so holding out for a few more days isn't horrible, but I would much rather meet my little guy right now. I have no idea if I have progressed anymore in the last week, and hopefully will be in the hospital before next Wednesday, so it won't even matter.

Although I am not technically overdue, I am anticipating it. And so it makes me worried. What if he doesn't want to come on his own at all? It happens. Some babies are just far too comfy in there. But I desperately want that experience. I want my water to break sending me into a surprised panic. Or at the very least, I want the regular contractions. I want to be a slave to the clock. I want to call his daddy at work and let him know that it is time. Or wake him up out of a deep sleep. I want the unknown. The excitement.

I do not want to go to the hospital and force him out. I do not want him to have to experience a labor brought on by medication. I want it to be as peaceful and long as he wants it to be. And I fear that going into the hospital will give us a time limit that we are not ready for. I do not want this to turn into a c-section just because I am "wasting" their time.

So I pray that this little boy is sent to us on time or before they try to force him out. And I talk. I try to convince him that it is okay out here. I tell him that we are ready and we love him. But I know that he has to make his own decision. He has to be ready. And when he is, I will be ready for him.

four.

Dear Elliott,

You are already too much like me. I understand it is comfortable in there, but mommy really needs you out. Or at least dropped down a bit. You are pushing against my ribs, and I am convinced that you are doing serious damage in there. I can deal with you making me wait extra days to meet you, but I can't deal with the pain you are causing me.

Today seems like a really good day to come out. It is going to rain, which means it won't be crazy hot. And daddy won't have to work a double tomorrow if you decide to make your appearance. Your grandma thinks you will come out today, too. I know you probably have other plans, but maybe you can just work with us on this one? I would really appreciate it.

I love you more than everything.

-Mommy

Ps. If you don't come by Wednesday morning, I am going to ask Dr. Turner when we can get you out. I want you give you your time, so if you feel like dropping, you can stay in for as long as he will allow.

eleven.

I think I'm in for a wake up call...

It puts everything in perspective to look back and realize that the first day of summer had just about 50 days until my due date. FIFTY. It feels like it was just yesterday, which makes me hopeful that even if he holds out for 17 more days, or even a few more, I can make it and it will be here before I know it.

I cannot wait for Elliott to be here to teach me new things about love and life. Just when I think I am ready, I decide I very well may not be. There is so much that I wish I could be prepared for, but I simply can't. So many different studies about how the baby should sleep, how often you should feed them, keeping up with product recalls...

Should I allow them to give him the routine vaccines after delivery? Should he get the eye ointment? Do I allow him to have a pacifier before we have established breastfeeding? How long until I should give him a bottle?

There are so many decisions to be made for his first few hours of life and I don't want to do anything wrong. I want him to have the best chance. I don't want to do something and find out down the road that I actually harmed him more than I helped. But I guess that is what learning is all about. Sometimes you fall down, but that doesn't mean that everything has been a failure.

Is this forever?!

18 days left and it feels like it is never going to happen. We are in the home stretch and I know that it can technically happen any day now, but it doesn't seem likely. Contractions have picked up a bit, but no other signs of labor have shown up.

I get checked for dilation on Wednesday and that will either make me more positive, or more pessimistic. I am hoping for some good news. I need something to keep me going these last 18 +/- days.

And just when I think I won't be able to go another day, my little man starts going crazy in my belly. I will miss having him all to myself, but getting to look into his little eyes and tell him how much I love him will be the most amazing feeling in the world.

I'm going to be a mom!

38 days left.

So in 38 days (hopefully) or less (more hopefully), I will be a mother. It is weird and scary to think about. For the past 8 months, I have had this little boy growing in my body, and as tiring and shitty as it has been at times, it has never really hit me that this will turn into something much bigger. My belly won't be growing forever. Those daily hiccups won't continue as 20 minute thumps in my stomach. I won't be getting kicked constantly through out the day. Soon I will have a little boy to hold and feed and soothe and worry about.
It has hit me before, but it has never really become a true reality. Maybe it won't. Maybe he will just be here and ready or not, I will figure it out. I am thrilled that I will get to spend most of the days alone with him as much as I wish that Mitch could be around, too. I'm sure after a few days of sleepless nights and restless days, I will be singing a different tune, but I feel incredibly blessed that I will be the center of my little boy's world, and him the center of mine.
And yet, 38 days feels like forever to wait. But how about 17? Not too long. In 17 days, I will be considered full term. And that means my butt will be trying everything I can to get labor started. However, I am sure I will be unsuccessful and Elliott will keep me waiting until July. But 38 days isn't that long, and he is well worth the wait.