negative one.

I'm officially overdue. Nothing seems to be happening, but quite a few people think today will be the day. I am one of those people, but just because it was my guess from about a month ago.

Dearest Elliott,

Everyone wants to see you. Please come today.

I love you.

Mommy

6 hours, 52 minutes.

Make that 51 minutes. Until midnight. Until July 2nd. Until the day that my baby boy is "supposed" to come into this world, but most likely won't. I don't have that feeling that he is ready, but it can all change in an instant. I thought maybe the storms would provide some help, but so far nothing.

My doctor is on vacation anyway, so holding out for a few more days isn't horrible, but I would much rather meet my little guy right now. I have no idea if I have progressed anymore in the last week, and hopefully will be in the hospital before next Wednesday, so it won't even matter.

Although I am not technically overdue, I am anticipating it. And so it makes me worried. What if he doesn't want to come on his own at all? It happens. Some babies are just far too comfy in there. But I desperately want that experience. I want my water to break sending me into a surprised panic. Or at the very least, I want the regular contractions. I want to be a slave to the clock. I want to call his daddy at work and let him know that it is time. Or wake him up out of a deep sleep. I want the unknown. The excitement.

I do not want to go to the hospital and force him out. I do not want him to have to experience a labor brought on by medication. I want it to be as peaceful and long as he wants it to be. And I fear that going into the hospital will give us a time limit that we are not ready for. I do not want this to turn into a c-section just because I am "wasting" their time.

So I pray that this little boy is sent to us on time or before they try to force him out. And I talk. I try to convince him that it is okay out here. I tell him that we are ready and we love him. But I know that he has to make his own decision. He has to be ready. And when he is, I will be ready for him.

four.

Dear Elliott,

You are already too much like me. I understand it is comfortable in there, but mommy really needs you out. Or at least dropped down a bit. You are pushing against my ribs, and I am convinced that you are doing serious damage in there. I can deal with you making me wait extra days to meet you, but I can't deal with the pain you are causing me.

Today seems like a really good day to come out. It is going to rain, which means it won't be crazy hot. And daddy won't have to work a double tomorrow if you decide to make your appearance. Your grandma thinks you will come out today, too. I know you probably have other plans, but maybe you can just work with us on this one? I would really appreciate it.

I love you more than everything.

-Mommy

Ps. If you don't come by Wednesday morning, I am going to ask Dr. Turner when we can get you out. I want you give you your time, so if you feel like dropping, you can stay in for as long as he will allow.

eleven.

I think I'm in for a wake up call...

It puts everything in perspective to look back and realize that the first day of summer had just about 50 days until my due date. FIFTY. It feels like it was just yesterday, which makes me hopeful that even if he holds out for 17 more days, or even a few more, I can make it and it will be here before I know it.

I cannot wait for Elliott to be here to teach me new things about love and life. Just when I think I am ready, I decide I very well may not be. There is so much that I wish I could be prepared for, but I simply can't. So many different studies about how the baby should sleep, how often you should feed them, keeping up with product recalls...

Should I allow them to give him the routine vaccines after delivery? Should he get the eye ointment? Do I allow him to have a pacifier before we have established breastfeeding? How long until I should give him a bottle?

There are so many decisions to be made for his first few hours of life and I don't want to do anything wrong. I want him to have the best chance. I don't want to do something and find out down the road that I actually harmed him more than I helped. But I guess that is what learning is all about. Sometimes you fall down, but that doesn't mean that everything has been a failure.

Is this forever?!

18 days left and it feels like it is never going to happen. We are in the home stretch and I know that it can technically happen any day now, but it doesn't seem likely. Contractions have picked up a bit, but no other signs of labor have shown up.

I get checked for dilation on Wednesday and that will either make me more positive, or more pessimistic. I am hoping for some good news. I need something to keep me going these last 18 +/- days.

And just when I think I won't be able to go another day, my little man starts going crazy in my belly. I will miss having him all to myself, but getting to look into his little eyes and tell him how much I love him will be the most amazing feeling in the world.

I'm going to be a mom!

38 days left.

So in 38 days (hopefully) or less (more hopefully), I will be a mother. It is weird and scary to think about. For the past 8 months, I have had this little boy growing in my body, and as tiring and shitty as it has been at times, it has never really hit me that this will turn into something much bigger. My belly won't be growing forever. Those daily hiccups won't continue as 20 minute thumps in my stomach. I won't be getting kicked constantly through out the day. Soon I will have a little boy to hold and feed and soothe and worry about.
It has hit me before, but it has never really become a true reality. Maybe it won't. Maybe he will just be here and ready or not, I will figure it out. I am thrilled that I will get to spend most of the days alone with him as much as I wish that Mitch could be around, too. I'm sure after a few days of sleepless nights and restless days, I will be singing a different tune, but I feel incredibly blessed that I will be the center of my little boy's world, and him the center of mine.
And yet, 38 days feels like forever to wait. But how about 17? Not too long. In 17 days, I will be considered full term. And that means my butt will be trying everything I can to get labor started. However, I am sure I will be unsuccessful and Elliott will keep me waiting until July. But 38 days isn't that long, and he is well worth the wait.

49 days to go.

It is officially day 1 of summer vacation. It doesn't feel very different, because I only actually went to school 2 days a week and the rest of my classes were online, but still. I wasn't completely bombarded with school work, but it was the only thing I really HAD to focus on. Now of course, it is all about the baby and I have absolutely nothing to get done.
All of his clothes are washed and put away. Each little outfit separated by size and shape-onesies in one drawer, footie pjs and gowns in another. The diapers are put away. His hospital bag is packed. All of the baby books are read. His bassinet is set up. Stroller, car seat, bath all purchased. Towels folded. Blankets put away. Calendar marked with countdowns that only make the time drag on.
Doctor appointments are scheduled every 2 weeks now, but the wait seems to be so much longer now.
My drawer has dwindled down to two measly piles of shirts that all barely fit me. I might as well just get a free pass to go naked for the last 6 weeks, but god know that no one wants to see that.
Mitch is waiting to hear back for a job, and if we get it we are moving out. Then I will be able to focus on packing, which will definitely help the time pass, but of course not quickly enough.
I keep searching for things to do to get ready for the baby, but I think I need to start focusing on what I should be doing for ME.
These are my last weeks of me time. Once he gets here, everything will be on his schedule and will remain that way for at least the next 16 years. Sacrifices will be made, and as I have come to realize recently, I am not all that grown up either.
So I guess I will start to compile a list of things I would like to get done in the last 49 days of Ellie's life pre-baby.
1. Finish a book
2. Paint my nails
3. Nap
4. Spend some time in the sun
5. Write down tattoo ideas
6. Color. A lot.
7. Go swing at the park.
to be continued...
This whole life thing is going to be a learning experience for the both of us. But who better to share it with than the love of my life?

Growing Up Pregnant

I am officially 27 weeks today. One more week and I will have entered into my third trimester. Three months left in this pregnancy and then I will officially be a mom. Our room is already equipped with his pack n play and stroller, but it still hasn't fully hit me that my life is about to change drastically. I still have a lot of growing up to do and much of that will be done with a growing baby in tow.
Maturity is not something that I am lacking, but I do have a big space in my life filled with a love for childish antics and activities. Soon, I will have someone of my own to color with and to go to the park with--although most of his beginning life will be spent sleeping or sucking on my boobs. I am so incredibly excited to be a mother, but I am skeptical as to how this whole experience is going to change me.
Pregnancy has done more to me than expand my belly and kill every other muscle in me. I have never been so sore for so long, and I can't wait until my little monster is out of me, so that everyday won't feel like complete death. Being pregnant has already taught me that annoying mother's worry, that will be with me for the rest of my life. Pregnancy is a 9 month battle of survival. Every day, no matter how good you feel, there is a constant knot in your stomach knowing that there is a chance you can lose your baby at any moment. Every movement is questioned. Everything you eat leaves you feeling a little bit guilty. And every day is just one step closer to that moment of extreme pain and pure joy that will occur when finally lay eyes on your little one. And then you have a whole new set of worries. My nights will be sleepless enough with a newborn in the mix, but I know my paranoia will not grant me any relief on the sleeping front. I already anticipate many nights of staying up watching Elliott breathe, making sure that he is okay.
There are so many first time experiences that I get to experience with my little man, and so many mistakes I will be making along the way. But it is all part of growing, and with broken crayons and wrinkled paper, we will begin to map out our life together.

~SKABB